Via Chicago

These are just sleepy musings from a sleepy person before bedtime.

I haven’t updated this blog thoughtfully in a while, mostly because I’ve been perpetually busy. Nothing has really changed, internship and classes consume a majority of my time. I get told a lot that I’m always so busy…one of the most productive people they know…I’m always doing something. It does feel nonstop, but today I have a break.

Well, it’s almost impossible to write about everything I’ve done in Portland. I’ll start somewhere and I’m sure that once I start writing, it’ll begin to flow. Yesterday was a particularly busy day for me at internship as I prepare for my presentations. Strangely, I was getting IM’s and e-mails from leaders in the company asking about my graduation date. I had applied for full time jobs for next year and some of the programs strictly began in May/June 2018.

Even as I cram 16 units on average per quarter over the school year and 19 this summer, the earliest I will graduate is September 2018 after staying for summer session to finish my degrees. So I knew things wouldn’t work out. I got a call from a lady in the Philadelphia office and she said that my name kept getting mentioned all day.

“Haha, oh that’s not a good sign,” I joked. No, it was. She said I had an amazing resume and that my managers said good things about me. She said I was intelligent, hardworking, and a perfect candidate for the position (technology and data analytics). I was offered an interview, but I had to decline because of my graduation date. They told me to reapply next year and have kept me in their system.

It really made my day. Before that call, I was unsure of my performance and how my managers perceived me and my quality of work. I am too critical of myself at times. Calm…like Chamomile tea ok? Nobody is mad at you or thinks you’re stupid. Nobody is as harsh on me as myself. Stop it with the imposter syndrome, clearly I am doing something write. Then, my thoughts shape my actions and in turn can lead to miscommunication. I tend to be more anxious and shy in the workplace, though I am generally a warm and friendly person.

It made me happy. I just wanted to call up my mom and tell her the good news, but I had homework, an exam, and discussion post to start and finish for French before midnight. So I worked from 7 last evening until 11:30 after my host family and I got dinner at Outback Steakhouse. Also I found out that my blood type was A+ LOL. As Erick put it, I even overachieved on a blood test.

I’m all over the place, but my childhood friend just happens to come to Oregon in August. Eugene specifically, but he said it was a game changer that I was still here and wanted to see me. Our grandmas were best friends in Hong Kong when they were still alive and we’ve known each other since we were babies. What’s up Justin.

Long long post and I’ll write up part 2, which will mostly be scattered thoughts and post graduation anxiety.

After dinner tonight, I headed downstairs to my room with my laptop and the letter in my hands. Near the dresser was another door. As I opened it, I was greeted by the weekend heat and wooden planks underneath my bare feet. I slowly closed the door behind me and sat down on the bench. The deck, where it was quiet and serene, would be my writing place this summer.

Portland may be the halcyon days of my college years. The city becomes quite a scene at dusk, when the sky fades into a rosy gradient and the birds begin to sing. You can hear frogs happily croaking in the distance and see little fluffy clouds above the rooftops. Manicured lawns, empty driveways, and lamps line the streets. There are evergreens along the horizon and all the lights begin to glow. I thought it was time to write the annual journal entry about finishing another school year.

Growth, whether personal or academic, is experience I will never have enough of. I like to compare myself to the person I was last year. She was afraid of math stats, heartbreak, and the Folsom sun. What has happened since? I hope I’m a bit more accomplished. The reality is that we are always changing. We never peak because we can always become a better version of ourselves.

As the year progressed, I learned to let go of a chapter that should have been closed a long time ago. The past has no place in the future, especially if it does not make me happy anymore. Rather than hoping for it to continue, the end lead to a new beginning that restored confidence in myself, for my fears were unfounded.

They told me I would fit right in, with the music scene and political atmosphere. It is escapism to leave California for a bit, get lost in the Pacific Northwest. I’m a rising senior now, still in disbelief that I actually made it this far. When every New Order song makes me dance a little more and the phone calls leave me smiling into the sheets, I know I’m at a good place in my life right now.

So communication is very important. Be clear on what you want and any expectations.

Dating was always black and white to me. Either I’m single or in a relationship. There is no in between, no grey areas. I won’t tolerate mind games.

I know lately I’ve been feeling hurt, which guilts me because I’m revisiting a past that has no place in the present and when Erick is the only person I should be thinking about.

There was a thunderstorm the last night I was in Iowa, and I was curled up in my hotel room just crying about how I was able to tolerate so much pain. How the hell did I even go through 9 months of that? Seems like so long.

But when you’re with the right person, forever won’t scare you. You want time to slow down. You’ll feel safe and loved, you’ll want the days to become seconds because you enjoy spending time with them. Time speeds up too, because when you’re happy you won’t notice how much of it has elapsed.

I don’t feel like I’m rushing anymore, or panicked about aging and artificial deadlines society has created on women. I don’t feel pressured to be at a certain place at a certain time to make him stay or convince him to be together. This is love, not forcing the time Erick and I spend apart to be as minimal as it can be.

So what has been on my mind is that, timing does have a place in a relationships. No, I don’t mean like Jonathan graduating and moving to Seattle. I meant age. If I met Erick when he was my age, there is no way he would have wanted to do long distance. It’s maturity and where one is in life. How important a committed relationship is to somebody.

I found somebody who is willing to love and care for me, nothing less, before Jonathan did. Some days I wonder about him, not because I miss or want him, but because I hope he’ll learn how to do the same one day.

There will be a time when he does, maybe not at 22, but when he’s the same age as Erick. Yes, age does matter. The girl who will meet him a few years from now will see a man so different from when I met him. When he is older, he will want what Erick and I have. When we’re young, nobody wants to be “held down,” but I never see it that way if I loved the person.

I don’t talk to Jonathan anymore, nor do I know what’s going on. But the last time I got a window into his life was back in April, which lead me to reach out to Erick. It pained me to see that he was single, that I couldn’t be with him. Then Erick showed me that distance was only a problem if two people made it to be. And I realized Jonathan didn’t deserve the love I gave him, that Erick was the love I waited so patiently for.

@murjanas

There’s so much I want to tell Erick, but really don’t know how to start. Maybe wait until we’re deeper into our relationship.

I’m surprised and proud of myself though, that I didn’t let the past turn me cynical about love and insecurities didn’t carry over. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Plus, whoever you date after a relationship ends deserves a new start, not emotional trauma from the last guy.

He doesn’t know how much the hours we spend on the phone, Skype, our messages, letter exchanges, and little gestures (flowers in the mail) mean to me, even if I tell him. To have somebody that is YOURS, and the peace of mind at the end of the day knowing you don’t have to worry about what we are/he is to you.

I feel like in the future, I’m going to break down to him. I already feel emotional some days, but just hold it together pretty well or restrain from talking to him about it. I’m not an advocate of dumping emotional problems on others, which is why I started this blog.

Even if the relationship does end, I know that we were at least together and both tried. As my sister said, “even if you had a bad relationship with your exes, at least you still had something.”

So with every good night voice message I get from him, there’s more I want to say aside from sweet dreams. That’s why I linger on for so long, saying so many cute things, adding hearts, but never getting to the point.

He told me that he hasn’t had many meaningful relationships. I’m the first person he can be so open to and talk to about anything. He hasn’t dated as much as I have, which isn’t a lot, and he’s older. I’m so happy I can be his girl, because we both need each other.

I’m so sleep deprived right now lol. After turning in my project, I went on a hike with Tim and Sonja through Putah Creek and we ate our sandwiches. They gave me a gift, elephant pants from Thailand.

I saw Phillip for milk tea and for Erick a gift. Then I went home to take a bubble bath and do face masks with Jackie. It really is a good ending to the year and I feel sentimental that it’s over. I haven’t packed yet, but I need to nap first.

It’s an unexplainable feeling to lay in bed in the dark with light from the window shining onto the walls. I’m taking everything with me to Portland, for I need to take stuff for when I go back to LA too. Apartment will be empty until September when I come back.

No break. The next few days are all training, but I look forward to the nights when I’m alone in my hotel room. Moments to myself.

I found the quote Erick. You’re asleep now, but here it is in your tag.

Catch one’s heart, never be apart.
愿得一人心，白首不相离。

I always want to be the last to say good night. We made a promise to never give up on us and you’re the love I’ve waited so patiently for. You know that I’ll hold onto you and do anything for you.

Whatever time we spend apart, know that it won’t matter to me. Whether we’re together or far, there is nobody else I would want to spend my days with.

I know you love me because you want me to pursue my dreams and ambitions, when I was worried about proximity to you. You want me to do what I need to fulfill myself. That is love in its purest sense, letting me take care of what needs to be done while supporting me.

I won’t say it yet, but I do love you.

I’m still baffled. But shouldn’t be. I’m worthy of whole love. The way he described relationships with the terms convenience. “I don’t want to date because it’s convenient.” It just made me feel special.

It’s a game changer. I didn’t dare ask for long distance with him back in February because Jonathan left the impression that it’s better to date somebody close by. That “it was too hard.”

It really isn’t with the right person. So convenience isn’t necessarily the best thing. I don’t want anybody in Davis. I want Erick.

The more we get to know each other, the more I realize how well we mesh. He uses the word “synergy” to describe us. I was told this past summer that every heartbreak happens for a reason. Someday, you’ll be happy that the past didn’t work out because endings brought you closer to who you are meant to be with.

Happy does not capture all the emotions I feel. I’m lucky I found somebody who is as invested in a relationship as me, but not for the sake of one. I found the right guy and I could go on about him. Really grateful we have a lot in common, perks of the same cultural background. We have elements of a modern American upbringing, but still retain our traditional Chinese values.

I like that he is open minded and wants to have a lot of experiences, my type of guy and how I describe myself too. We know our culture is akin to routine, the familiar. Never really want to try anything new. I see this in my family, when we go to the same dim sum places for lunch, conforming to societal norms, and not willing to do anything beyond novelty.

It’s different this time because I’m not looking at him through rose colored lenses. I don’t feel that same high that comes with falling for somebody new as intense as I did with Jonathan. When the honeymoon phase wears off, I don’t doubt that he’ll still fight for me.

This is a guy who didn’t run when he knew it wouldn’t be easy sailing from the start, but rather try to navigate the sea. To hear “I really like you and I want to make this work,” makes me feel so loved and cared for, a little soft spot in this cold world.

Unintended - Muse